listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
