I am midnight drunk by noon
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
