apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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