theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
