There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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