Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
