I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
