Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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