I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
