So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
so much tequila, so little girl.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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