and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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