no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize