Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
