I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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