I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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