Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
