Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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