he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
