She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my being single is dangerous.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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