how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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