The police scanner is talking about you again....
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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