All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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