Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
