At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
