Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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