sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
false alarm. still invincible.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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