i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
