Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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