and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
She needs sedatives and a leash
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
