It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
So apparently I’m into choking now
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