I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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