im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
