My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
