I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
