Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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