Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize