when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
