The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize