she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
