my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
