we're blogging at a bar
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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