I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
we're so committed to being not committed
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
