**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize