My underwear smells like fireworks.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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