I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
