For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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