my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
