I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
