i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
