I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
