what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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