This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
