There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
