Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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