just tell him i said nine months
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
