Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
