there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
