I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
