Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
