And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
