We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
