I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You ate ashes out of my bong
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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