I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
