You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
