I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
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