Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
