dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
