I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize