i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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