Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
