I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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